Where Angels and AAA Fear to Tread

We finally arrived at Northwest Arkansas Regional Airport (NWARA) at 1:30 pm, after several more delays due to icy conditions in Memphis. The entire region is blanketed in snow with ice everywhere. "But we never get weather like this," is the common lament... well, twice I have been here in the last three weeks, and twice the weather has been just like this. Its absolutely miserable.

Unca Sam rented us the cheapest substandard they could come up with, a chevy cobalt. WARNING: BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID. This car is the worst piece of shit I have ever been in. We were given the keys and sent out to a car that was totally encrusted with 3/4" ice, all doors and the trunk were frozen shut, and there was no scraper because,"we never get weather like this." A couple of big guys in heavy weather clothing rolled by in a pickup truck and assisted in de-icing the car. I was laughing hysterically as they beat the living crap out of the car with heavy mallot-like scrapers, pounding the hood and the roof so violently that the whole car shook. One of them finally got a door open and turned over the engine. That helped somewhat in clearing the windows, but as to the body of the car---well, I wont be responsible for the damage.

First we checked into the comfort suites and were put in exactly the same room we had last time. Now, last time we were here, there was no heat and the pipes froze, ergo neither had we water. This time, we had heat and water, but the toilet broke and wouldnt flush. The desk clerk asked me for a paper clip or some "little metal thing" I could spare and McGuivered the toilet into almost-working order. After unpacking, we headed out in the crapbalt to drive by a few homes I was interested in seeing. The roads were awful, but we managed, somehow to make it to the furthest house on the list...and no further. And not back, either. The house was in a very hilly lake district and the crapbalt simply could not handle the conditions. We were stuck on an icy country road at the bottom of a steep curving hill. I tried more than twenty times to get up that hill, but the traction feature on the crapbalt could not be overridden and the accelerator would cut out at the slightest skid. We were completely stranded in freezing weather, with no hope of getting out.

Hub called AAA and they absolutely refused to help. Since our car was not broken down, and we were not in a ditch, nor in an accident, they considered a tow up the hill to be a courtesy and not an emergency. Now mind you, we are at least 30 minutes from civilization with no food, no water, no toilet, snow and ice so deep that walking was out of the question. Did AAA care that we were totally stranded and cold? Um, no. The best they would do is look up the nearest local towing company and give us the phone number. Hub called and was told we would have a 2 to 6 hour wait for a tow truck. So, with me hurling venomous insults and every curse I could conjure at the crapbalt, we sat trapped and waiting.

There were two people shoveling near the top of the hill and Hub walked over to see if they could assist us. They claimed to not speak English (Ha!) and offered no help. So what is the native language in NW Arkansas? Japanese? Click-talk?

After another 30 minutes or so, another couple walked up to our car. By that time my skull had split open and toxic ooze was spewing non-stop from my gob. I am sure I looked like the spawn of satan when they tapped on the window. Hub had long ago tuned me out and was staring blankly into the white wilderness. Gray and June Brown had been entertained by my valiant (foolish?) efforts and tenacity (pigheadedness?) in trying to conquer the hill in the crapbolt, and finallly took pity on us. They invited us into their lovely home while we waited for the tow truck. They proved to be remarkably good company and we passed the time by the fire with two burmese cats and hot tea.

The tow truck arrived long after dark and they were courteous, efficient and skilled in winching the crapbolt a total of less than 50 feet to a point that we could then resume our way out of Antarctica. They made sure we made it to the main road before they stopped to give us the bill. All the while, the one guy was telling hub what a good driver I was. He said that most women would be too afraid to keep up speed to handle the curves and other hills along the way to the main road. He said (to Hub, not to me) "My boss wants me to compliment your wife on her driving skills. She is a good, good driver! Most women would have stopped, ditched it or spun out by now but not your wife. She knows what it takes. She is a good driver!" Hub gave me the thumbs up and I felt less like an imbecile and more like a victim now. $270.00 later we were on our way. I am not complaining. And for those of you who think we got gouged, AAA and three other local companies would not come get us. (Oh trust me, I am not finished with AAA for leaving us to fend for ourselves on the tundra.) But these guys came as soon as they could, winched us to a safer point and made sure we made it to the main road. Pay the men, and smile, darlin'. Otherwise we would be eating snow for our thirst and probably peeing in it too.

The Crapbolt had had enough of my vicious browbeating and decided that if we were going to trade it in anyway, it may as well malfunction some more. So the key fob quit working and we had to manually unlock the doors, which were trying to freeze shut again. All of the alarms went off and the lights began to flash in the hotel parking lot and in spite of pushing every button on the fob, nothing worked. I had to get into the car and re-start it to make it shut the fock up. Then to lock it, I manually depressed all the door buttons before closing them. No alarm!

I have taken a pill now to sleep Hub is almost out already. He has already missed his first two days of work due to "We never get weather like this" and has to work saturday and sunday as a result. I will be stranded here without a car, but that is OK because if I got within proximity of another crapbalt, I might have to run the sucker into a lake and then offer to send AAA.